An Excerpt from the Diary of a Nineteen Year Old Depressed

It hits you, all of it, all at once, on a normal Saturday evening, while you sip the green tea under the sky so vast and the one with the perfect concoction of blues and violets. Your world, it shatters, it crumbles under the colossal burden of your hopes, aspirations, expectations & the love you deserve but the one which never finds its way to you. The next thing you know is the world you spent your life building up, filling up with petty peeps, thinking it’ll always remain intact even if you don’t; your very own small world is falling apart so rapidly yet silently and you can’t even help it. The chaos within you is unexplainable, it’s so devastating yet the outside world seems so ‘normal’, so ‘unreal‘. You break. You suffocate. You want to breathe but you can’t. You want to live but life is so dull. You want to make something out of yourself but you don’t find the strength in you anymore so you just break down with no one to hold you. Your broken pieces, they just lie on the ground, right in front of you whilst no one comes for your rescue. Everybody is busy attending a party, hanging out with friends or getting ready for a sleep over and you just sit with a cup of green tea in your hand and wonder where exactly you went wrong. The same torturous questions wander through your mind. They take up the every corner. They push out the happy memories. It’s their kingdom now. You’re stuck in the realm of your unanswerable questions. Why isn’t life the same for you as it is for others; colourful, vibrant, eventful. Why do people end up doing you wrong. Why does nothing fascinates you. Why do you feel hollow from within. Every day, every moment why does the agony only increase. How do you call for help. Where are your friends. Did you even have any in the first place. Why can’t you recall the last time you were really happy. What are the things which make you happy. Why are you stuck. Where are you stuck. You wonder and wonder until you can’t anymore. A white invisible cloud of sadness overwhelms your whole being. Everything’s hazy. The whole world seems murky. You seem nonexistent, insignificant and all the things people don’t aspire to be. You seem worthless. You’re tired. There’s no point in going on. There’s no point in fighting for this life, for yourself, for ‘your people’ anymore. Everyone is happy in their respective world. You couldn’t give yourself the happiness you deserve so you give up. You give up because there’s nothing else you can do. You want to end the misery. The sadness is killing you, but for all you know, you won’t let it. In your heart of hearts you know, you’ll kill yourself before anything else can kill you…

It’s high time we talk about depression and put an end to the stigma associated with it in our society. Believe me, when I say depression is as real as your existence. We’ve lost so many peeps to depression and it’s really time we accept depression as it is i.e: a mental illness. HAVING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS IS NO JOKE; NO DRAMA. Brown societies need to realise that this is very real & very destructive. Please watch out for the ones you care about. Depression is such a toxic illness; you won’t even realise when your dear ones are suffering from it but it’ll eat them up from inside. If you’re someone or you know someone who suffers from depression, I urge you to seek professional help. DON’T HESITATE PLEASE. DEPRESSION IS NOT OKAY AND YOU CAN’T JUST SNAP OUT OF IT. I repeat, DEPRESSION IS AS REAL AS OUR EXISTENCE.
It’s okay to seek help if you think you’re depressed. No one deserves to have suicidal thoughts and if you do have, you’re not mad; ‘depression is an illness just like Diabetes or Asthma’ and yes, everyone deserves to be treated.

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Darker Shade of Gray

My eyes are heavy from the last night’s crying
But I must pretend I’m happy and definitely not trying

I’ve lost what I once owned with all my pride
Name, fame, peace and the gleeful ride

The nostalgia hits me up as I lay down to sleep
So I stay up and my fears chase me like a creep

They say I’m hopeless and so is my life
Let me do a trick please pass me the knife

But I should stay strong or atleast fake a bit
For the world despises the one who isn’t mentally fit

It’s time to get over my lil’ heartbreaks
C’mon people have dealt with greater time-shakes

They tell me to love what I have today
For tomorrow could always be a darker shade of gray