An Excerpt from the Diary of a Nineteen Year Old Depressed

It hits you, all of it, all at once, on a normal Saturday evening, while you sip the green tea under the sky so vast and the one with the perfect concoction of blues and violets. Your world, it shatters, it crumbles under the colossal burden of your hopes, aspirations, expectations & the love you deserve but the one which never finds its way to you. The next thing you know is the world you spent your life building up, filling up with petty peeps, thinking it’ll always remain intact even if you don’t; your very own small world is falling apart so rapidly yet silently and you can’t even help it. The chaos within you is unexplainable, it’s so devastating yet the outside world seems so ‘normal’, so ‘unreal‘. You break. You suffocate. You want to breathe but you can’t. You want to live but life is so dull. You want to make something out of yourself but you don’t find the strength in you anymore so you just break down with no one to hold you. Your broken pieces, they just lie on the ground, right in front of you whilst no one comes for your rescue. Everybody is busy attending a party, hanging out with friends or getting ready for a sleep over and you just sit with a cup of green tea in your hand and wonder where exactly you went wrong. The same torturous questions wander through your mind. They take up the every corner. They push out the happy memories. It’s their kingdom now. You’re stuck in the realm of your unanswerable questions. Why isn’t life the same for you as it is for others; colourful, vibrant, eventful. Why do people end up doing you wrong. Why does nothing fascinates you. Why do you feel hollow from within. Every day, every moment why does the agony only increase. How do you call for help. Where are your friends. Did you even have any in the first place. Why can’t you recall the last time you were really happy. What are the things which make you happy. Why are you stuck. Where are you stuck. You wonder and wonder until you can’t anymore. A white invisible cloud of sadness overwhelms your whole being. Everything’s hazy. The whole world seems murky. You seem nonexistent, insignificant and all the things people don’t aspire to be. You seem worthless. You’re tired. There’s no point in going on. There’s no point in fighting for this life, for yourself, for ‘your people’ anymore. Everyone is happy in their respective world. You couldn’t give yourself the happiness you deserve so you give up. You give up because there’s nothing else you can do. You want to end the misery. The sadness is killing you, but for all you know, you won’t let it. In your heart of hearts you know, you’ll kill yourself before anything else can kill you…

It’s high time we talk about depression and put an end to the stigma associated with it in our society. Believe me, when I say depression is as real as your existence. We’ve lost so many peeps to depression and it’s really time we accept depression as it is i.e: a mental illness. HAVING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS IS NO JOKE; NO DRAMA. Brown societies need to realise that this is very real & very destructive. Please watch out for the ones you care about. Depression is such a toxic illness; you won’t even realise when your dear ones are suffering from it but it’ll eat them up from inside. If you’re someone or you know someone who suffers from depression, I urge you to seek professional help. DON’T HESITATE PLEASE. DEPRESSION IS NOT OKAY AND YOU CAN’T JUST SNAP OUT OF IT. I repeat, DEPRESSION IS AS REAL AS OUR EXISTENCE.
It’s okay to seek help if you think you’re depressed. No one deserves to have suicidal thoughts and if you do have, you’re not mad; ‘depression is an illness just like Diabetes or Asthma’ and yes, everyone deserves to be treated.

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Tell me

Tell me you’ll stay with me
When the world has fast gone to sleep
And darkness engulfs my whole being
To watch me as I weep
Or caress my trembling feet
If I have one of those paradoxical sleeps

Tell me you know this inside your heart deep
Even when I forget to nudge constantly
I’m yours to forever keep
And you won’t let the feelings seep
Of vex,emptiness and triviality.

Tell me even if the feelings creep
The ones which I often fear
Onto the wall of your heart steep
You’ll fight back every feel
And won’t endorse the growth of rubbish heap

Tell me even if the voices bleep
The ones which scare the heck outta me
Loud and firm on your mind’s jeep
For they feed the weeds, yes indeed
You’ll remember the times our crop was reap

Tell me you’ll stay with me
Not to walk back on your words only
When the storm comes and the lion roars
You’ll stay with me behind the closed doors
And embrace me as I embrace my demons
You’ll love me as I hate the mirror.

Incessant

I wanted to write something for the people who lost their lives in Bhawalpur and Parachinar incidents recently but I knew no words could do justice to their misery so instead there’s a piece for all those individuals who feel broken at these unfortunate incidents. It’s Chand Raat but the thought of their agony takes over my excitement for Eid everytime I think about ‘celebrating’. May the deceased souls rest in eternal peace and may their families be blessed with Sabr-e-jameel. Ameen. Don’t forget to send a prayer their way In sha Allah and Jazak Allah khayran.

To the little child who feels everything a little too much. Who sobs silently at their apathy and gets frustrated for being helpless. The one who feels sorry to be so empathetic and sympathetic at the same time and who’s still finding out the meaning and purpose of life amidst all the craziness:

O child of mine,
What they say is true,
Indeed the world never stops
Even if your muscles don’t contract anymore
Or you get one of those convulsive tetanic movements too often
And your bones stop pressing against your skin
And your nerves no longer help you
While your hormones conspire against you
And your heart becomes obsolete
The blood in your veins agglutinates
Even if your whole life does
The world goes on,
Just like it’s styled to
But hey my child,
Don’t you worry
For nothing will stop for you too
Until that one piece of flesh
Resting inside your chest
Keeps on doing it’s job;
Pumping blood to your organs
Infusing life within your lifeless body.
Your world will go on too
Just like their world goes on;
Unhindered and untwined.

Moribund

What do I do?
Where do I go?

Whom should I consult?
Why do peeps insult?

Why am I lost?
How much did my soul cost?

What makes me so tired?
What was it that I desired?

Sigh sigh. But why sigh?
Gosh! Am I again high?

High on insomnia
Perhaps it’s hypersomnia

Darn, I followed my inner voice
I thought it was the only choice

And you, like always, I pushed away
Not long after you first said Hey!

Now there’s no hope, no ray
Maybe now I should pray

And then again dwell in despair
The damage I’ve caused is beyond repair

My life is like the dust on shelf
I’m again losing my torn self

To find it dead at the other end
To find it dead at the other end.

Drunk On Love

Something I wrote when I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep without jotting down the thoughts boggling up my ever-vexed mind.

We’re the odds
We’re the misfits
We’re the innocents
We’re the real ones
But Oh, such a pity My love,
They call us the weirdos
They think we’re uncanny
To the lake when we go
They watch the waves
Resonate with our souls
O my, they’re so naive
For not they know
We’re just brave
Brave enough to accept our souls
Just like they’ve learned
Over the ages
Never to accept their bodies
As they find them shameful and despicable
So they put up a masquerade
To deceive one another
That’s how we’re different perhaps
We’re the open books
For not we ever hide
Our souls, we see
As ethereal packets of energy and love
The ones which when illuminate
Give out the radiations of Love and His oneness
They think we don’t know
How to live in this world
Let me ask them just for once
Do you even know how to live at all?
When we throw our hands
In the air as free
They laugh at us
Who’ll catch them they say
O my, they’re so naive
For each time we throw them out
With no one to reach
The wind is always there to see
And so it takes our hands in her hands
And with wind we fly ’round them
‘Round their pitiful lil’ houses
‘Round the places they claim are heavens
From up above where we dwell
They look so tiny
And so insignificant
And their cars they take so much pride in
O my, how naive they’re
They think we’re lost when we walk
Through the forests and plains
And rivers and seas
High and low, wide and narrow
They sleep fast while we stay up
The stars, they show us the path
And guide us all along
They think we’re lost
O, why not they know
We can find ourselves
Only once we’re torn and lost.
So let us dance
And get drunk on Love
And listen closely, my dear friend,
The universe will guide us
With it’s rhythm and bow
Let us dance
Round and round
Let us get lost
In the rhythm of Love
To discover the secrets
No one has ever known
Let us get lost
In the rhythm of Love
To find what we’ve lost
To find what we’ve lost