Do you know the feeling of losing someone you loved unconditionally? And I’m not only talking about your ex or the one sided love. I’m talking about the sinking feeling that takes over the best of you when you hear your friend’s voice for the last time. In those moments you remember how much you had wished for it to last a million lifetimes but here you’re with your broken pieces and the person you trusted the most, walks all over your shattered soul. So what do you do? Well, you sit there amidst your pieces with shaky limbs and wonder why did life do you wrong? In those moments, you’re breathless, anxiety overwhelms your whole being and you come face to face with your tortuous thoughts, the ones which haunt you every minute of the day. You find yourself thinking again but not knowing why did people you love with all your heart have to be the ones who break your torn self over and over again until you couldn’t take it anymore. Then and there you finally make peace with losing a soul or two because you couldn’t make peace with your shattered pieces; and that my friend, is both a blessing and a curse. :’)
October 16, 2017,
Surviving and being alive are two different things; the sooner you realize this, the better.
Only fools believe in unicorns
I’m a fool I believe
Let me believe in miracles
Let me be happy with my beliefs
Just this once
Let me be hopeful
Let me believe that people still fall in love
With places and books and cafés and humans
Let me believe love exists
In smiles and texts and hugs and cuddles
Let me believe loved ones can live an eternity together
In moments and dreams and hopes and admist all impossibilities
Let me believe some people really stick by you
During happiness and misery alike
Let me be naive
Let me be heartbroken
But Oh God, let me be alive
Just this once
I want to be alive.
I tell myself it’s okay
It’s okay to lose a friend I thought I’ll explore the world with
It’s okay not to be loved back
It’s okay not to feel anything sometimes
It’s okay to feel a little too much at times
It’s okay to cry myself to sleep at nights
It’s okay to wake up feeling numb most mornings
And It’s okay not to be okay all the time
A day shall rise tomorrow
The same sun yet a new day
A day if not of joy, that of less pain probably
A day of hope which is currently lost
A day of smiles even if they’re broken
A day of gaining even if I have to lose most of it afterwards
A day of less agony
A day less like a night
A day more like a day.
I’m in my bed again
My head rests against the pillow
Another tear breaks from my eye
But I’m not flinched
For all I know
I ask my heart
Does it hurt?
Giving your everything to someone
And being told
You don’t know how to love?
I ask my hands
Don’t you feel numb
Being bare and empty
And being asked if you ever really did have the heart to give anything at all?
And then I turn to my soul and ask
Do you feel mislaid
Belonging somewhere else
But being trapped in my trifling body?
And to my surprise
My soul doesn’t respond
But it doesn’t remain quiet too
Y’know how that works?
For When I look closely
It isn’t even with me
Scared and overwhelmed of my miseries
My soul has left me for good
No wonder I’m numb
No wonder I’m unbothered
Another tear breaks from my eye
And I hope
This will be the last one tonight
Tear after tear
Yet I hope against hope.
I wanted to write something for the people who lost their lives in Bhawalpur and Parachinar incidents recently but I knew no words could do justice to their misery so instead there’s a piece for all those individuals who feel broken at these unfortunate incidents. It’s Chand Raat but the thought of their agony takes over my excitement for Eid everytime I think about ‘celebrating’. May the deceased souls rest in eternal peace and may their families be blessed with Sabr-e-jameel. Ameen. Don’t forget to send a prayer their way In sha Allah and Jazak Allah khayran.
To the little child who feels everything a little too much. Who sobs silently at their apathy and gets frustrated for being helpless. The one who feels sorry to be so empathetic and sympathetic at the same time and who’s still finding out the meaning and purpose of life amidst all the craziness:
O child of mine,
What they say is true,
Indeed the world never stops
Even if your muscles don’t contract anymore
Or you get one of those convulsive tetanic movements too often
And your bones stop pressing against your skin
And your nerves no longer help you
While your hormones conspire against you
And your heart becomes obsolete
The blood in your veins agglutinates
Even if your whole life does
The world goes on,
Just like it’s styled to
But hey my child,
Don’t you worry
For nothing will stop for you too
Until that one piece of flesh
Resting inside your chest
Keeps on doing it’s job;
Pumping blood to your organs
Infusing life within your lifeless body.
Your world will go on too
Just like their world goes on;
Unhindered and untwined.
Came across this piece in my notepad app a.k.a the hub of my miscellaneous-unfinished-notes; it’ll probably remain like this forever. An excerpt from something which is equally unknown to me as it might be to anyone else.
Her back slid against the wall
With her Bare feet and naked soul
She sat on the freezing kitchen floor
With an urge to explore
Her brusies well secured
She is unknown to herself now
Her skin is not free of the old scars
But she has learned to hide them well
Her mind is boggled up
She is ever messed up
The coldness is searing onto her body
She seems but unflinched
Maybe because she’s numb
Or perhaps because,
Her soul is colder than the freezing kitchen floor!