A blessing and a curse

Do you know the feeling of losing someone you loved unconditionally? And I’m not only talking about your ex or the one sided love. I’m talking about the sinking feeling that takes over the best of you when you hear your friend’s voice for the last time. In those moments you remember how much you had wished for it to last a million lifetimes but here you’re with your broken pieces and the person you trusted the most, walks all over your shattered soul. So what do you do? Well, you sit there amidst your pieces with shaky limbs and wonder why did life do you wrong? In those moments, you’re breathless, anxiety overwhelms your whole being and you come face to face with your tortuous thoughts, the ones which haunt you every minute of the day. You find yourself thinking again but not knowing  why did people you love with all your heart have to be the ones who break your torn self over and over again until you couldn’t take it anymore. Then and there you finally make peace with losing a soul or two because you couldn’t make peace with your shattered pieces; and that my friend, is both a blessing and a curse. :’)

October  16, 2017,

7:19 p.m.

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An Excerpt from the Diary of a Nineteen Year Old Depressed

It hits you, all of it, all at once, on a normal Saturday evening, while you sip the green tea under the sky so vast and the one with the perfect concoction of blues and violets. Your world, it shatters, it crumbles under the colossal burden of your hopes, aspirations, expectations & the love you deserve but the one which never finds its way to you. The next thing you know is the world you spent your life building up, filling up with petty peeps, thinking it’ll always remain intact even if you don’t; your very own small world is falling apart so rapidly yet silently and you can’t even help it. The chaos within you is unexplainable, it’s so devastating yet the outside world seems so ‘normal’, so ‘unreal‘. You break. You suffocate. You want to breathe but you can’t. You want to live but life is so dull. You want to make something out of yourself but you don’t find the strength in you anymore so you just break down with no one to hold you. Your broken pieces, they just lie on the ground, right in front of you whilst no one comes for your rescue. Everybody is busy attending a party, hanging out with friends or getting ready for a sleep over and you just sit with a cup of green tea in your hand and wonder where exactly you went wrong. The same torturous questions wander through your mind. They take up the every corner. They push out the happy memories. It’s their kingdom now. You’re stuck in the realm of your unanswerable questions. Why isn’t life the same for you as it is for others; colourful, vibrant, eventful. Why do people end up doing you wrong. Why does nothing fascinates you. Why do you feel hollow from within. Every day, every moment why does the agony only increase. How do you call for help. Where are your friends. Did you even have any in the first place. Why can’t you recall the last time you were really happy. What are the things which make you happy. Why are you stuck. Where are you stuck. You wonder and wonder until you can’t anymore. A white invisible cloud of sadness overwhelms your whole being. Everything’s hazy. The whole world seems murky. You seem nonexistent, insignificant and all the things people don’t aspire to be. You seem worthless. You’re tired. There’s no point in going on. There’s no point in fighting for this life, for yourself, for ‘your people’ anymore. Everyone is happy in their respective world. You couldn’t give yourself the happiness you deserve so you give up. You give up because there’s nothing else you can do. You want to end the misery. The sadness is killing you, but for all you know, you won’t let it. In your heart of hearts you know, you’ll kill yourself before anything else can kill you…

It’s high time we talk about depression and put an end to the stigma associated with it in our society. Believe me, when I say depression is as real as your existence. We’ve lost so many peeps to depression and it’s really time we accept depression as it is i.e: a mental illness. HAVING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS IS NO JOKE; NO DRAMA. Brown societies need to realise that this is very real & very destructive. Please watch out for the ones you care about. Depression is such a toxic illness; you won’t even realise when your dear ones are suffering from it but it’ll eat them up from inside. If you’re someone or you know someone who suffers from depression, I urge you to seek professional help. DON’T HESITATE PLEASE. DEPRESSION IS NOT OKAY AND YOU CAN’T JUST SNAP OUT OF IT. I repeat, DEPRESSION IS AS REAL AS OUR EXISTENCE.
It’s okay to seek help if you think you’re depressed. No one deserves to have suicidal thoughts and if you do have, you’re not mad; ‘depression is an illness just like Diabetes or Asthma’ and yes, everyone deserves to be treated.

Tell me

Tell me you’ll stay with me
When the world has fast gone to sleep
And darkness engulfs my whole being
To watch me as I weep
Or caress my trembling feet
If I have one of those paradoxical sleeps

Tell me you know this inside your heart deep
Even when I forget to nudge constantly
I’m yours to forever keep
And you won’t let the feelings seep
Of vex,emptiness and triviality.

Tell me even if the feelings creep
The ones which I often fear
Onto the wall of your heart steep
You’ll fight back every feel
And won’t endorse the growth of rubbish heap

Tell me even if the voices bleep
The ones which scare the heck outta me
Loud and firm on your mind’s jeep
For they feed the weeds, yes indeed
You’ll remember the times our crop was reap

Tell me you’ll stay with me
Not to walk back on your words only
When the storm comes and the lion roars
You’ll stay with me behind the closed doors
And embrace me as I embrace my demons
You’ll love me as I hate the mirror.

Of Unicorns and Miracles

Surviving and being alive are two different things; the sooner you realize this, the better.

Only fools believe in unicorns
I’m a fool I believe
But God,
Let me believe in miracles
And unicorns
And mermaids
Let me be happy with my beliefs
Just this once
Let me be hopeful
Let me believe that people still fall in love
With places and books and cafés and humans
Let me believe love exists
In smiles and texts and hugs and cuddles
Let me believe loved ones can live an eternity together
In moments and dreams and hopes and admist all impossibilities
Let me believe some people really stick by you
During happiness and misery alike
Let me be naive
Let me be heartbroken
But Oh God, let me be alive
Just this once
I want to be alive.

Reverie

I tell myself it’s okay
It’s okay to lose a friend I thought I’ll explore the world with
It’s okay not to be loved back
It’s okay not to feel anything sometimes
It’s okay to feel a little too much at times
It’s okay to cry myself to sleep at nights
It’s okay to wake up feeling numb most mornings
And It’s okay not to be okay all the time
A day shall rise tomorrow
The same sun yet a new day
A day if not of joy, that of less pain probably
A day of hope which is currently lost
A day of smiles even if they’re broken
A day of gaining even if I have to lose most of it afterwards
A day of less agony
A day less like a night
A day more like a day.

2 a.m

2 a.m

I’m in my bed again

My head rests against the pillow

Another tear breaks from my eye

But I’m not flinched

For all I know

I’m unbothered

I ask my heart

Does it hurt?

Giving your everything to someone

And being told

You don’t know how to love?

I ask my hands

Don’t you feel numb

Being bare and empty

And being asked if you ever really did have the heart to give anything at all?

And then I turn to my soul and ask

Do you feel mislaid

Belonging somewhere else

But being trapped in my trifling body?

And to my surprise

My soul doesn’t respond

But it doesn’t remain quiet too

Y’know how that works?

For When I look closely

It isn’t even with me

Scared and overwhelmed of my miseries

My soul has left me for good

No wonder I’m numb

No wonder I’m unbothered

Another tear breaks from my eye

And I hope

This will be the last one tonight

Tear after tear

Yet I hope against hope.

Incessant

I wanted to write something for the people who lost their lives in Bhawalpur and Parachinar incidents recently but I knew no words could do justice to their misery so instead there’s a piece for all those individuals who feel broken at these unfortunate incidents. It’s Chand Raat but the thought of their agony takes over my excitement for Eid everytime I think about ‘celebrating’. May the deceased souls rest in eternal peace and may their families be blessed with Sabr-e-jameel. Ameen. Don’t forget to send a prayer their way In sha Allah and Jazak Allah khayran.

To the little child who feels everything a little too much. Who sobs silently at their apathy and gets frustrated for being helpless. The one who feels sorry to be so empathetic and sympathetic at the same time and who’s still finding out the meaning and purpose of life amidst all the craziness:

O child of mine,
What they say is true,
Indeed the world never stops
Even if your muscles don’t contract anymore
Or you get one of those convulsive tetanic movements too often
And your bones stop pressing against your skin
And your nerves no longer help you
While your hormones conspire against you
And your heart becomes obsolete
The blood in your veins agglutinates
Even if your whole life does
The world goes on,
Just like it’s styled to
But hey my child,
Don’t you worry
For nothing will stop for you too
Until that one piece of flesh
Resting inside your chest
Keeps on doing it’s job;
Pumping blood to your organs
Infusing life within your lifeless body.
Your world will go on too
Just like their world goes on;
Unhindered and untwined.